you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
