When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
