Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
false alarm, still single
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
