I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Randomize
