I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Randomize
