Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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