Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
My penis needs a shock collar
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
