I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
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