Of course we end up in a gay bar... And I have to tell you there are some hot dudes here, should I pass around your Facebook?
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
Who wears a wallet chain?!
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
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