4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I just blew my weed a kiss
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
Randomize
