Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Randomize
