call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
