so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
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I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
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Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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