if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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