I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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