A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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