she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
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