I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
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He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
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I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
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