Barsexuality is the new black.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
