Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
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She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
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My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
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