Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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