we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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