She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Randomize
