the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
God I need to hump something, right now.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
