Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
