how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
