So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
