my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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