Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
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