dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
