I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
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