This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Randomize
