Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
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