I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
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