I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
