I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Randomize
