I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize
