I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
Randomize
