We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
this is an emotional support booty call
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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