and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Randomize
