I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Randomize
