i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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