Who wears a wallet chain?!
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
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I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
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Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
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