just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Randomize
