Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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