Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
