I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Randomize
