$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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