mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Randomize
