I'm eating all of the evidence.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
