Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
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