I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
I'm bleeding and have questions
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
