I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Randomize
