I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
