tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
