soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
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You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
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I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
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