I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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