Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
