rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Randomize
