i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Randomize
