I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Randomize
